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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 6, 2015 18:15:01 GMT
Thank you my darlings, I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends. You are right Piggles, we have no money at the moment too which isn't helping as you can imagine. I have never told him off for not doing things properly but yesterday for instance, I said I would vacuum my room, because he doesn't do in the corners. This I can just cope with if I sit down afterwards. Maybe it is frustration piggles hunny as you say, but Paul is not a worrier by nature which is also infuriating sometimes as it is all left to me. You are right too Bean sweetie, I understand that his life isn't what he expected it to be when he met me, he certainly didn't sign up for this and sometimes I really do feel guilty and bad about it. When he met me I was slim, wearing straight skirts and very high heels and whilst that isn't a reason to marry someone, I can't help feeling that that is what he really liked. I am still a bit cross yes, I find unpleasant remarks hard to forget. We do need support Bean love and I try and give it to him as much as I can. Sometimes I feel as if I don't get any.
Wound is healing nicely thanks for asking poppet, some days it is sorer than others but I think we are getting there.
Thank you both so very much. Hugs Jo xx
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 6, 2015 19:59:02 GMT
That's the trouble with words. Once said, they can't be unsaid. You can forgive, but not forget.
No one signs on for the worst case, but we all sign on for better or worse, and neither is perfect. You have supported each others issues your whole married life. He's had his, too. Right now, you are the one with the worst issues, and it's his turn to rise to the occasion. I'm sure you've done it for him, in the past. Sometimes it takes someone removed from the emotion to point out just how much you've done for each other, but you have.
I think women tend to hold their comments and consider the effect words will have on someone else, far more than men do. That doesn't excuse them at all, but I think men need more coaching to think before they speak, than women do, in general.
I'm glad the surgical site is feeling better. I'm sure it's worth the healing discomfort to not have that pain anymore.
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Post by Bean on Jul 7, 2015 12:40:04 GMT
Glad your wound is feeling mostly better - I think you've coped really well with your surgery.
Aww Jo, I understand how frustrating it must be that your life has been changed by things beyond your control, and being in chronic pain would drain anyone. But I'm sure that while Paul may have liked your high heels (well done btw, I've never been able to walk in them!) it was more your lovely personality, warmth and sense of humour which were the things that ticked his boxes. Hope you are feeling cheerier soon - if you can't get out on your own, it must be difficult when there's a bit of tension at home. xx
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 7, 2015 19:06:12 GMT
You are right Piggles love, I do need his support at the moment and you do go into marriage with the idea of supporting each other depending who needs it at the time. You are right about men not thinking before they speak, Paul doesn't. I am sure there are times when I have said the wrong thing but generally I do tend to think before I say things as most women do as you say. Thank you for your lovely kind words Bean sweetie and I hope you are right as I do feel my life is out of my control now. Paul does visit neighbours in the afternoon which gives him a welcome break, well both of us really if I am honest. Thank you for not minding my having a moan.
Hugs Jo xx
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Post by Bean on Jul 8, 2015 8:33:40 GMT
Have you talked with Paul properly and told him just how down you feel, or are you hoping he'll realise? In my experience, even when it's really quite obvious to anyone with an ounce of perception that someone is unhappy or struggling, men can need it writing up on a placard before they twig! Even if you've had a few sharp words where you think he'll have gathered how you're feeling, it really might not have sunk in - he might just think you're being irritable with him and he needs to give you a wide berth or something. I'm sure if you told him how low you're feeling he'll want to put aside the small stuff and help.
But we are all ears and shoulders for you here, so feel free to get anything off your chest anytime you need to. xx
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 8, 2015 19:46:43 GMT
Thanks for the advice Bean love and as usual you are right. He does know how I feel and he does realise what pain I am in but I thought he would have been more caring given the sort of man I married. He says he is sorry for being snappy (always in the mornings) and that I should ignore him, it is hard to do that when someone is having a go at you. I have told him how difficult it is with the pain and I really do try not to be bad tempered, it doesn't help that he won't do things around the house though, that does make me cross. I agree with you there too Bean hunny, men are no good at perceptive are they? We are also desperately short of money at the moment (no food in the house) and a grant we are waiting for is taking a very long time to come through so we are both like bears with sore heads.
Thank you my darlings for your support and thank you Bean for saying you are here for me and willing to listen. It means more to me than I can say.
Love Jo xx
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Post by Bean on Jul 9, 2015 10:16:12 GMT
Jo, I need to go to the shops later and will look out for some pills that make men able to see jobs that need doing and also gives them the initiative to do it without having to be asked - I'll split the bottle in two and send half to you and we can compare results after a few weeks!
I'm glad you're still talking properly, despite having a bit of a rough patch - money worries always exacerbate any problems you have as it puts so much more stress on daily life. Sharing a little treat together is much nicer that sharing worries about finances, and I hope it's not too long before things improve a bit so you can do that.
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 9, 2015 15:24:32 GMT
Money problems are the worst. They can tear apart the most loving couples. Been there ourselves, too often. And yes, men have a perception problem. They can look right at all the work that needs doing, hear the timers go off to say something needs to be done, and have absolutely no reaction. But when they want to help, they can help us until we want to kill them for all their help! It's amazing as many couples manage to stay together as do We need to figure out ways to make them want to see what needs to be done. No easy task. I'll take some of those pills, too, Bean I'm sure Paul also considers what could be done to ease your pain, if you just had the money. That doesn't make having money problems any easier. I do hope your money comes in soon. Amazing how long it can take to get someone their money, but how little time it takes to demand payments.
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 9, 2015 19:26:16 GMT
Oh Bean love, thank you for that, if only there were such a pill. Haa haa, it would be great to compare the results wouldn't it? We could sneak it into a lump of something on their dinner plate like we do for the pets, so they don't know they are taking it LOL!! Thanks hunny, down in the dumps doesn't cover it at the moment. The grant we get is from a charity and we have been receiving an amount for 10 years now. The money usually goes into our account around June 4th, we still have had nothing. As sent a gentle reminder in case it had got lost in the post and they admit that thought it was all done and dusted, when in fact our paperwork had been lost and we had to send it all again. Fair enough they get our papers out again and review our case. We still haven't heard anything, I have emailed the lady concerned and phoned her today, leaving a message for her to please ring me back. She hasn't. I feel like s..., I haven't a clue what is going on. It is the only bit of money we get for household repairs etc.
You are right Piggles love, money problems do come between us, we are booth snappy and snarly. If only the bloody organisation would let us know one way or the other. Sorry to rant again ladies.
Lots of hugs Jo xx
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 10, 2015 20:34:50 GMT
We all need to rant periodically, so don't worry about it That is nasty of the charity to dangle you along that way, not letting you know about the status. I don't blame you for being upset, and there's really nothing you can do about it except wait. I really hope you hear some thing soon.
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 11, 2015 18:54:12 GMT
Thank you sweetheart fr being so understanding, apparently we are being processed so all is not lost. We had another bit of bad news yesterdayt hough. on Paul's 55th birthday in September he will not be receiving a lump sum which would be substantial but a bit more each week. No I shouldn't complain at that but we have no way now of getting the house nice and buying nice things for it.
Hugs JO xx
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 11, 2015 20:27:28 GMT
I totally know what you mean. You have to save out of a meager income, and that's not easy. Do you have any organizations that volunteers who will help you fix up your house a bit? We do, in the US, but most of them are church groups. I'm not sure if they help anyone who applies, or just church members. You're not asking for a lot of improvements from them, just some sprucing up and maybe some window boxes and things. They might have groups of volunteers who do that. I do hope you get the money soon, and that Paul gets a decent increase in his funds.
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 12, 2015 19:10:54 GMT
Thank you for a lovely heart warming and helpful post. Here it is called the council love, each council is responsible for a certain area and I am afraid the internal decorations are entirely up to the tenant so no, I don't think we will get any help but thanks for the suggestion hunny.
Hugs JO xx
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 12, 2015 21:23:24 GMT
No volunteer groups through your church, Jo? Even if they just do a good cleaning or spruce up the paint to make the house happier for you, it would be a help.
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 13, 2015 18:58:18 GMT
I don't actually belong to a church anymore piggles love much to my eternal shame. Also I am RC I am not sure if they are as helpful with things like this as the C of E churches. I think, think, mind you I have finally got Paul's arse in gear, I think he just cannot put up with me being miserable and moaning anymore. We have agreed to start with the outhouse, cleaning it out and taking stuff to the tip. I will keep you updated.
Hugs Jo xx
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 14, 2015 20:46:43 GMT
That sounds like a good start. Maybe the whole thing seemed overwhelming to him, and he just needed a place to start, and a size of job he knew he could finish. I have to remember that since I can't really help with the jobs anymore, I can only expect hubby to work so fast, and then I have to back off. He painted over all the paint splops on the ceiling, but never got the other white paint to cover up his splops on the woodwork, So once again, the painting of the living room continues He'll get it done. I may have to start doing it myself to get him moving, but he'll get it done!
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Post by Bean on Jul 15, 2015 8:40:28 GMT
Glad your moaning has spurred Paul on - result! Hope that when you get started, you see some results quickly rather than feeling a momentous task with no end has been embarked upon. With the holidays approaching, I'm getting my brain in gear to start with swapping the kids' bedrooms - who knows what else we might go on and do after that?! (Get a take away and bottle of wine in, I think!)
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Post by jolovespiggies on Jul 15, 2015 18:54:06 GMT
I wouldn't mind if Paul was a bit slow in doing these jobs Piggles love, if only he would get on a do them without having to be asked all the time. Blissfully, the out house was cleared which took all of about 10 minutes and he took the stuff to the tip. Something else he is bad for, he will plan a trip to the tip usually with my prompting and only take half the stuff that needs to go, it is infuriating. Yes Bean love, he says the next job is the inside windows but we'll see!! I would like to add that I may sound like a real nagger, I used to do all these jobs when I was fit when it was expected and mostly unnoticed!!
Hugs Jo xx
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Post by 3piggles on Jul 15, 2015 21:45:50 GMT
I totally understand, Jo. I used to do all the jobs I'm asking hubby to do, now, and if he doesn't do them to my satisfaction, I get very irritated. Mostly, it's because I resent not being able to do them myself, as I used to, and being in control of how well the job is done. I've really had to work on being more accepting of the job he's doing in my stead, as there's really nothing I can do about it. I've learned to help by organizing the jobs for and with him, and that helps him not skip as many steps, or forget to do certain areas. Perhaps if you made the tip list for Paul, so he could check off each thing HE wants to take on each trip, it would help him get it all in one trip.
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Post by Bean on Jul 16, 2015 8:48:12 GMT
It sounds like we could all be married to the same man really! When my husband has a flurry of activity, he can get so much done, so quickly (usually DIY stuff, regular household jobs are not his forte). Goodness knows what our house would look like if he could keep that up for more than one day every 3 months - it'd probably be like a showhome! On a general daily basis, it's so boring having to ask for stuff to be done, that if you can, you do end up just getting on with it yourself (and as you say Jo, it usually goes unnoticed!) - it must be frustrating to not have that option and be in their hands! The kids are pretty good at helping with routine household stuff now, although they do make rather a lot of mess too haha!
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